reflections

Is there somewhere a dream that is so large and so right that it could barely be imagined.
How could I even begin to think about something like this. What do I want? My short answer is that I have now…..but there is this fluctuation around me, simply energy.
And this project, this process is accelerating it. Finally I can allow myself to experiance without needing it to have a peak, without needing it to really have meaning. I can just be and it is not necessary to do more than that.
I am trying to somehow explain this process.
What have I done? I bicycled to Ijmuiden. I watched porn. I danced by myself. I drew with crayons. I slept at Fela’s house. I made a myspace page. I went to the flea market. And then I came home today and shaved off my hair. Why?
It was like a compulsion, and I did it and now I am here , I am with myself, myself wondering what is going on.
I think I am learning to dream. When I was in California, moving, climbing mountains, being physically active every day I was happy. I was calmer than I have ever experienced myself as being. I came home and was happy, and strong and grounded. I think that now through this project I manage to do the same. I am relearning to experience. I am relearning to shape identity. Like when I was young and I tested things out to see how they felt.
I think I am doing this again and this is where my hair went. Hair, Body, form the a part of the identity which is in the physical world…..and the other part, the experiential is carried by my body.
In my other art I am often arranging a meeting between me and an other, a confrontation, a gaze, a game, an exchange. Not for once I am doing it to myself. I am playing my own game.